Mr. Rules and Regulations

Trying my last ditch effort of the friendly dating service before my membership expired, I decided to take this final plunge and offer to meet a financier on a Friday night at a swanky beach restaurant. The girls assured me he was conversationally adept, divorced, educated, quite handsome and enjoyed many of the same things I did. He was successful, and was looking to share some time with someone who wouldn’t complicate his life, but compliment it. Were those his words, theirs or taken from me? Either way, I was interested to hear a little more and meet this William guy.

William, met me at the entrance of the restaurant. He was a bit more handsome than what the girls said, or maybe it was just me attracted to him right off the bat! Whatever the case, he had a GREAT boyish grin and smiled quite a bit when he spoke, looking directly in my eyes. Oh, that is a rarity with most! He’s scoring brownie points already! We decided to grab a table towards the back as to have a little more of an intimate setting, but not too far from others enjoying the winter night out. William began the small talk of hobbies and questions about what I liked to do in my spare time. He shared he has a pretty tight schedule with meetings on certain days at set times, but enjoys working out at the gym in the mornings before work three days a week, has his children two nights a week, every other weekend and goes to the movies every other Saturday with friends Trish and Phil.

Having a schedule, life and plans are good, I was thinking, but is there some flex time in there? How am I going to fit it in? Well, William began asking what time my day starts and what I do after work. Because I have my children and am somewhat slave to their schedules, my days vary. This seemed to perplex William, since most of his days are running on a tight schedule, with nearly every minute accounted for. If this would be remotely possible, according to William, would I be available to meet say Tuesday or Friday mornings for breakfast? “WHAT? Wow!” I just met you and I am not even sure of my schedule tomorrow let alone blocking out my Tuesday and/ or Friday mornings to meet your for breakfast! Plus, you may not even like my “cheesy girl sandwich”- which consists of a multi-grain bagel, fried egg and a slice of Kraft American cheese! (Yeah, I’m thinking it’s somewhat healthy due to the multi-grain bagel…HA!!) Some mornings, I don't even do the breakfast thing until I reach the office...low-sugar oatmeal. And, my coffee could stand up on it’s own, it’s that strong-you may not like it and by the time I roll out the door for the office, I have already had my two cups! Oh, let’s not forget that we just met and I haven’t even made it past the first date! Or, maybe just maybe, “breakfast” was code for a little “extra curricular” aka: boom-chica-boom-boom! activity to be scheduled in…ewwwhhh! We just met and although I’m attracted to your boyish grin, I’m growing less and less attracted to you the more you talk about your busy schedule and commitments!

Plus, I wanted to ask my own question: Do you go by William, your given name, or do you shorten it to Bill, Buddy, Mack, Will or something else? Perplexity set in momentarily as William said…”no, it’s just William.” Hmmm…that seems a bit formal. In the heat of passion, can I really get that all out in one breath? “Ohhhh Will….iam…” that’s more than what this asthmatic might be able to handle! And, William is awfully formal! Can you loosen your tie, unbutton your shirt and relax a little? I'm not suggesting let it all hang out on the first date, but something seems a bit off here.

As the waitress came over I tried to bury my head into the menu, a little embarrassed at my own thoughts diverting to a baited fishing line tossed into my lake to see if I would bite or pass. Another Friday night with a freak and I have just under an hour to go! Looks are totally not everything and although he has the most adorable smile with perfectly straight and not too white of teeth, it’s beginning to become obvious that he has some issues. The waitress was young and sweet, a real cutie trying to make a buck or two during the winter while her husband was off protecting our community as a police officer. She asked if this was a special night out and in my head I was thinking: “Yep! Real special!!” As she began probing or just simply trying to care for her table guests, I simply added we were out for our first date. William looked a bit embarrassed that I had just announced it was our first date to Suzy waitress. She proceeded to exclaim the “Oh my God’s…you look great together! What a cute couple!!” Maybe she was looking for the big tip of the night, no, not the “don’t run with scissors tip” either! Whatever the case, William was pouring through the menu only to finally ask if he could talk to the chef for a moment. A bit bewildered, Suzy waitress said sure and meandered her way towards the kitchen.

As the chef arrived at our table, William shared his specific desires for the evening entre, even going into detail of just how much salt, olive oil in the pan, a touch of soy on the pan seared fish, etc. I kid you not…I couldn’t make this up!! The chef was accommodating and Suzy just looked at me. I had no clue! After all, I had just met William and the girls from the service didn’t share any of this neurosis with me. William ordered green beans as a side dish and calmly explained aloud to both Suzy and I that he would be eating these with his fingers. WTF-not where’s the fire in this case! I decided to quickly place my favorite appetizer order for my meal and zip off to the ladies room for a breath of fresh air!

When I came out of the private bathroom stall, little Suzy was in the main area primping and fixing her skirt. With a big smile and a hopeful grin she shared her thoughts that William and I seemed to be really hitting it off! Are you joking me? I think this guy has so many rules and regulations he could put the finance commission back together and maybe even come up with a plan to bail our sinking economy out of recession! I assured Suzie that I wasn’t sure there would be much more than a first date if things didn’t turn around.

Ever heard the “Help a sister out!!” phrase? Maybe Suzie was trying to really score the tip of the night, or maybe she saw something I didn’t in William’s eyes and smile. Or maybe, just maybe, she is a hopeless romantic and was doing some wishful thinking that William and I would ride off into the sunset, live happily ever after and it all started right here: with her waiting on us that special first date. The likelihood of that happening is slim to none, but let’s just keep on keepin’ on with the date. Little Suzie tried to encourage sharing by asking a few questions when she returned to our table about how we met and came to be on our first date, where we were from, etc. Out of nowhere, but somewhere in her cute blonde head and puckered up pink shimmery lips came the question: “what are your rules of what to do and what not to do of a potential mate?” What? Are you serious? I need to answer that, right here, right now. I’m not sure I am prepared for that one. I had no need to worry…William chimed in first!

William decided the sharing of rules and regulations were just the topic he would like to discuss and no better time than the present to get it all out in the open. He branched out into the laundry list of: first, sleeping on a certain side of the bed. There will be no pretzel like spooning, you stay on your side, I will stay on mine and we will even have the remote control on the headboard to have that invisible line in the sheets. And, boy oh boy did he ever proceed to share! As if the bed thing rules weren't enough!! He has his own routine before bed: check the lights, 1, 2, 3; check the stocks, 1, 2, 3; check the phone for any missed messages, emails, or texts, 1, 2, 3; wash his face, 1, 2, 3; anti aging cream, 1, 2, 3; brush teeth, 1, 2, 3; floss, 1, 2, 3….it kept going on!! I finally exclaimed, not sure when he would end his laundry list of bedtime routine: "Look, I’m pretty simple. I don’t care whether the toilet paper goes over or under on the roll. Heck, I don’t even care if it’s on the back of the toilet. As long as there’s toilet paper in the bathroom, I am good to go!!" Seriously this guy has some issues and I’m pretzel- like flexible for most of life!

I’m not even sure at this point if they make a pill anymore for what he has or if it even has a name!! He may be one of a kind- a real short bus special friend!! And, no, you can’t borrow my bib or my helmet…that’s reserved!

By now I was wondering if the girls at the dating service knew any of this or if maybe the previous dates never got to know this much and didn’t share. Maybe no one thought this was a little over the top. Whatever the case, there’s no amount of glue that can fix this broken bowl of a soup sandwich! I knew right then and there that this date was done.

At least Mr. Rules and Regulations knew the part of a gentleman: paying the bill. As he walked me to my car, polite thank you’s were granted on both sides. My final date with the dating service would be a last laugh for sure! The baby deer in the dating world was ready to venture into the forest without assistance. Thanks girls!!